Uncyclopedia's step-by-step guide to emulating
the (second?) most famous singing Scientologist.
Here's how to write a Beck song:
Step One: Look around You. The first step to a great song is imagination. Look around the room. What do you see? A couch. A toaster. Good. Now, make a list of all the objects you saw. For example, if you were to take a walk around an office building, that list would go something like this:
- Cubicle
- Breakroom
- M&M dispenser
- Atrium
- Cafe
- Parking lot
- Elevator
The cubicle blues & the breakroom breakdown,
Collecting all the files from the mayor of the ghost town,
M&M dispenser is about half-full,
Wait in the atrium while I pay the toll,
Looking to the sky as I feel so young,
Internet cafe, seems so dumb,
Ten minutes in the parking lot, I tried to hate her,
After an hour in the elevator.
Excellent writing, right? That's the point.
Step Three: Simple Chorus. For your song to succeed, you need a simple chorus that is catchy but of somewhat obscure meaning. Don't forget: Repeat yourself!
I need to go,
Far, far away,
I need to go,
Here I must stay.
Step Four: Short Refrain. This section is pretty simple, just about 15 seconds of talking before the next verse. Make sure it has nothing to do with any of the objects on your list:
Hey, Jules, long time no see.
(Slide guitar)
Remember highschool?
Step Five: Second Verse. This is one of the most important parts of a song, right up there with the first verse, chorus, bridge & melody. Once again, make sure not to use anything from your list & include a pop culture reference.
Over the top of the flaming tower,
Defense gets weaker by the hour,
Never willing to say I'm sorry,
Lose my hands like Shinji Ikari,
One set of shoes in West Montana,
1 till 5 is the time in Atlanta,
Maltese Falcon, taking flight,
Today's almost over, see you tonight.
Almost done!
Step Six: Bridge. This should be about a minute long, in order to fill out the time, & contain nothing but a bunch of random crap. But once again, it's not just random, it's random with class. Your bridge should go something like this:
Recent studies have shown that marijuana does indeed have medical value.
(Synth organ)
Carry on.
Important Tip: Repeat Everything! Repeat Everything! This is the end portion where you repeat the first verse, again mainly to fill out your song, which has about a minute of actual content.
Step Nine: Release Into Public. This is where you release your song into the mainstream. If you've written it correctly, it will receive tons of radio play & critical acclaim. People will use words like 'abstract', 'symbolic', & 'freethinking' to describe your writing. But remember: You're a Scientologist. You're anything but freethinking.
